twosies

89 questions to ask before marriage, from money to the in-laws

These questions to ask before marriage are sorted by the moments where the talks really happen: the first joint account, whose city you live in, holidays with two families, the next fight. There are 89. Each of you answers alone, then you swap pages. There are no right answers. The point is to see the differences before the wedding.

Twosies team ·

Two people at a kitchen table late in the evening, hands near two mugs and a notebook with two sheets of paper, a quiet talk before the wedding.

How to use it: answer apart, then swap the pages

Take one section per evening. Each of you answers alone on a sheet of paper, ten minutes, no peeking. Then swap the pages and read in silence before anyone talks. Where the answers match, check it off. Where they don’t, write the difference in one line and pick a day to come back to it: a different answer is something to work out, not a verdict. If a gap feels too big for a kitchen table, a premarital counselor helps with exactly that. For lighter nights, try our questions to ask your partner.

The first time you put your money on one table

  • Banking apps open side by side. Which number are you least ready to show: savings, card debt, last month’s spending?
  • Your first joint account. Which bills run through it: rent, groceries, the car?
  • One paycheck is bigger. Rent split fifty-fifty or by income, and how does it feel to say your salary out loud?
  • The landlord pulls both credit reports. What will yours show, and what’s the story behind it?
  • One of you falls for a $1,400 couch. Above what amount do you check with each other first?
  • One of you sends money home every month. Does that stay after the wedding, and who decides if it grows?
  • A monthly amount nobody has to explain: golf, skincare, concert tickets. What’s your number?
  • The transmission dies the week rent is due. How many months of savings let you feel calm?
  • Open enrollment at work. Whose health plan covers you both, or do you each keep your own?
  • A $3,000 tax refund nobody budgeted. Pay down debt, save it, or spend some on the two of you?
  • Autopay, utility logins, the spreadsheet. Who runs the bills, and how does the other know they’re paid?

Anna: Sam wrote “by income,” I wrote “fifty-fifty, always.” We’re trying his way until March, then looking at the numbers again. Neither of us is sure yet.

Where you will live, and whose city it is

  • A recruiter emails about a job two time zones away. Whose career picks the city first?
  • Both leases end in spring. Whose apartment becomes ours, or do you both hand back your keys?
  • One family is twenty minutes away, the other a flight. How close do you want to live?
  • Picture the friends you’d see less after a move. Which friendship can’t survive on a twice-a-year visit?
  • You’re scrolling listings in bed. A house with a yard forty minutes out, or a small place you can walk everywhere from?
  • The second bedroom: an office, a guest room for your parents, or a future nursery?
  • Two of everything is moving in. What comes no matter what: the records, the gym bench, grandma’s armchair?
  • Both of you work from home Tuesdays. Same table, separate rooms, or the library?
  • The kitchen walls are ugly beige. How many weekends of painting is each of you up for?
  • Ten years out: a city, a suburb for the schools, a small town, abroad? Write a place name.

Kids, or no kids, and the life around the answer

No kids is a real answer, and so are adoption and IVF. Skip whatever doesn’t fit your plan.

  • A friend hands you their baby at a party. Kids, in one word: yes, no, not sure? If yes, how many?
  • The promotion, the trip to Japan, paying off the car. Which comes before a first baby, and which after?
  • Trying takes a year, not a month. What would you each be open to next: tests, IVF, adoption, stopping?
  • Twelve weeks of parental leave. Who takes how much, and does anyone stay home after?
  • The 3 a.m. feeding. Split the night, alternate weeks, or whoever works earlier sleeps through?
  • A grandparent’s name keeps coming up. Which baby name would you love, and which would you veto?
  • A toddler at the next table watches a tablet all dinner. Your rule on screens and sugar?
  • Marker on the living room wall. What happens next: a time-out, a talk, scrubbing it off together?
  • Daycare costs more than you guessed. Grandparents, daycare, a nanny, or one of you cuts back at work?
  • At home the rule was dessert only after vegetables. Which rule from your own childhood would you keep with your kids, and which one ends with you?

Sam: I wrote “two.” Anna wrote “not sure.” We didn’t argue it out. We’ll ask again next October, and that’s on the calendar now.

Two families, one set of holidays

  • Two invitations for the same Thanksgiving. Whose table gets this year, and how do you decide next year?
  • Your mom calls every evening during dinner. How often will each of you talk to your parents once married?
  • Sunday dinner with the in-laws: every week, once a month, or holidays only?
  • At a barbecue your uncle mocks your partner’s job. What do you do right then, and what gets said in the car after?
  • Your parents offer $20,000 toward a down payment. Which strings would make you say no?
  • Your partner’s dad wants to stay two weeks. How long is too long, and who tells him?
  • A parent needs care one day: rides, a move closer, your spare room. What will each of you offer?
  • The family group chat. What about the two of you never goes in it: a fight, money, a pregnancy?
  • One family does Christmas Eve dinner, the other morning stockings. Which tradition moves into your house?
  • Your brother asks to sleep on your couch “for a couple of weeks.” Who gets a yes without asking the other?
  • After the wedding, what do you call your in-laws: first names, Mom and Dad, Mr. and Mrs.?

Anna: Both our moms said “of course you’ll be here Christmas Eve.” We didn’t settle it that night. This year is mine; next year gets decided in October, not before.

A regular Tuesday at seven in the evening

  • 7 p.m. Tuesday, both home. Write the next three hours: cooking, a workout, the couch and a show?
  • A work email buzzes at 9:30 p.m. How late can work come in, and in which room?
  • Shoes by the door, mail on the counter, one cup in the sink. Which can you live with?
  • One alarm at 5:45, the other at 7:30. How do mornings work in one bedroom: lights, coffee, shower?
  • One of you walks in and needs twenty quiet minutes. What’s the signal for “not yet”?
  • Friday drinks, a fantasy draft, book club. How many nights a month go to friends?
  • A hobby that eats Saturday mornings: climbing, band practice, a pickup league. Which of yours stays?
  • PTO is limited. Every vacation together, or one trip a year each with your own friends?
  • Cooking, dishes, laundry, bathroom, trash, yard. Which three would you take forever?
  • Phones in bed before sleep: fine, or is the bedroom screen-free?

After the wedding, relationship check-in questions make this a monthly habit.

The next fight, before it happens

  • Arguing in the car outside a friend’s party. Walk in smiling, or stay in the driveway until it’s done?
  • Your last real argument. Did you go quiet or get louder, and what did the other do?
  • A fight starts at 11 p.m. on a work night. Settle it before sleep, or pick it up at breakfast?
  • “You’re just like your mother.” “Then leave.” Which line do you both agree never to say, even angry?
  • After a fight, what counts as a real apology: the words, coffee brought to bed, a hug, the dishes done?
  • Next morning, nobody has spoken yet. Who usually breaks the silence, and how many hours is too long?
  • A car, a move, a dog: neither of you budges. What breaks the tie: who cares more, taking turns, a month’s wait?
  • The same fight comes back a third time. When do you call a couples counselor?
  • You need to vent after a fight. Which friend can hear about it, and who never hears a word?
  • Mid-fight someone says “maybe we shouldn’t get married.” What does that sentence mean to each of you?

Sam: I go quiet; Anna wants to talk now. Our deal: I say “give me an hour,” and I come back. It works about half the time. We’re still on it.

Curious how you argue? Try the how you fight test. If one of you pulls away and the other reaches harder, see attachment styles in relationships.

Closeness, loyalty and what stays private

  • A coworker texts your partner memes at midnight, nightly. Where’s your line: the texts, the hour, the secrecy?
  • An ex suggests lunch “to catch up.” Fine, fine if you hear first, or not fine?
  • A phone buzzes face down on the counter. Do you share passcodes, and is reading messages ever okay?
  • Location sharing on your phones: always on, only on trips, or off?
  • “I love you” at the end of every call, every morning, or only when it counts?
  • Something in bed stops working. How do you want to hear it: right then, over coffee, by text?
  • You’ll notice other people: the barista, a coworker. Joke about it, talk about it, or keep it to yourself?
  • An ex’s name comes up at a friend’s wedding. How much of each other’s past do you want: names, endings, nothing?
  • A therapy history, a medication, a family condition. Which health detail should the other know before the license?
  • Photos of the two of you online: everything, a few, or none, and does the other get a veto?

If a question brings up fear or pressure, put the list away. In the US, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233; for thoughts of self-harm, call or text 988. Elsewhere, call local emergency services.

What the day means, and what comes after it

  • Picture the minute right after the vows: courthouse steps, a church aisle, a backyard. Where are you standing, and how many people are there?
  • Who pays for the day: you two, your parents, both families? And who tells the parents?
  • Church, temple, mosque, or none. How much faith at home: holidays, weekly services, grace at dinner?
  • If kids come: a baptism, a bar mitzvah, religious school, or they choose later?
  • The marriage license has a line for a new last name. Keep, take, hyphenate? And the kids’ last name?
  • Your own vows or the traditional ones. Which promise do you want to say out loud?
  • A prenup comes up half joking. Do you want one, and should it cover a business, a house, a debt?
  • Your wedding ring: every day, or off at the gym? What do you think when the other’s comes off?
  • You already share an address. Besides paperwork, what changes after the wedding: how you introduce each other, how you plan?

The last round: five years out and the thing you have not said

  • Five years from today. Write the address, both jobs and who lives in the house, in pencil.
  • What are you afraid of losing in a marriage: Saturday mornings, your friends, your own account, your last name?
  • Finish this on your page: “When we’re married, I assume you’ll…” Then read each other’s endings.
  • Something you’ve meant to bring up before the wedding: a debt, a doubt, an old story. Tonight, or on a set date?
  • What’s one promise to yourself for after the wedding: the run club, a savings goal, Sunday calls to grandma?
  • A letter to open on your tenth anniversary. What’s one line you’d put in it now?
  • One answer from tonight surprised you in a good way. Which one? Read it out loud.
  • Two pages on the table. Drawer, notebook or trash, and which section do you swap next?

To go further another evening, try the deep questions for couples deck. More lists for two are in our articles.

Questions people ask

What are the most important questions to ask before marriage?

Money, kids, where you'll live, both families, how you fight and what loyalty means to each of you. There's no single most important one. A good place to start is the topic the two of you keep stepping around. If you both laugh and change the subject, that's the one.

When should couples start asking serious marriage questions?

Before the engagement is ideal, and after it still works. Don't treat it as a weekend marathon. One section, or two or three questions, per evening is plenty. Spread over a month or two, the list feels like a series of good talks instead of an exam with a deadline.

Is it normal to feel unsure before marriage?

Yes, doubts come up for a lot of people. Try to tell nerves about a big change apart from one specific thing you haven't talked about yet. The second one usually has a name. If the doubt is about feeling unsafe or pressured, talk to someone outside the relationship. In the US, call 911 or 1-800-799-7233.

What if our answers don't match?

Different answers aren't a verdict. Write the difference down in one line, agree on one small first step, and pick a day to come back to it, a week out is fine. If the same gap stays wide after a few rounds, a premarital counselor is there for exactly that conversation.

Should we talk about past relationships before marriage?

Talk about the parts of the past that still touch your life now: a debt, a child, an ex you still work with, a pattern you're trying to break. It isn't an interrogation, and neither of you owes the other a full history. Agree first on how much each of you wants to hear.

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